Sunday, September 07, 2008

The Real Game Of Love


First, a few definitions:
Social Dominance: in control of one's life and has a certain level of connectedness with those in his social circle. In the modern world, social dominance is difficult to achieve without money, but possible on a tight budget none the less.
Pretty: sexually attractive / proportionate (whatever your definition of sexual attractiveness may be)
Ugly: not sexually attractive / disproportionate (note: it's not about being slim or chubby...)

1) Consider The Following Statements

Guys like girls who are pretty.
Girls like guys who are socially dominant.

Guys would not usually think of actively courting / spending resources on girls whom they are not at least a little bit sexually attracted (or physically aroused by) to.
Girls would not usually think of actively trying to get the attention of guys whom they perceive as being weak.

Guys try to court the pretty girls.
Pretty girls have a wide choice of guys.
Pretty girls will not usually settle for guys who are non-socially dominant.

Girls try to attract the socially dominant guys.
Socially dominant guys have a wide choice of girls.
Socially dominant guys will not usually settle for girls who are ugly.

Your "average" girl may just so happen to appeal to a really socially dominant guy.
Your "average" guy may just so happen to appeal to a really pretty girl.

2) Face The Truth

Being pretty improves a girl's chances of finding the right guy who is reasonably socially dominant, reasonably well built, and compatible.

Being socially dominant improves a guy's chances of finding the right girl who is reasonably charming/feminine, reasonably sexually attractive, and compatible.

3) Reality Bites

Think about the girl who realizes that she's in her 30s and has never dated. She was never sexually attractive enough to have a guy who was up to her expectations ask her out. To avoid feeling bad, she tells herself that she was distracted by the pursuit of knowledge and wealth/career. Her biological clock is ticking. She knows she's way past her prime... Her ovaries are not going to wait for her. They are shriveling by the day...
Not all girls are pretty.
The average girl learns that the most eligable bachelors are out of her reach and looks elsewhere. She finds a guy who he thinks is right for her. She calls it love after awhile.

Now what about the guy who never attracted the attention of a girl whom he finds reasonably attractive? He has never really had any real experience with women. Now he finds himself shy to ask girls out because of bad experiences (with the pretty girls who had more eligable suitors). He's been working for 10 years and now has his own little humble place. He's feeling lonely and knows that his youth is nearing it's end. He's never even gotten laid before (ok, that's a bit cruel to say)
Not all guys are socially dominant.
The average guy learns to lower his expectations/standard to a point where he is comfortable. He finds a girl who he thinks is right for him. He calls it love after awhile.

4) Caveats

a. Cultural compatibility plays a key role in finding a life partner. Social dominance or beauty will not guarantee the p
erson you find attractive is right for you.
b. Different people have different standards for beauty/attractiveness/social dominance. Mika recently wrote a song about how chubby girls are attractive in their own way. DONT JUDGE PEOPLE too much.
c. Attractiveness may literally be "chemical". Scientists now believe that people with differing sets of genes for bacterial/viral immunity are more likely to like each other's natural scent (eg. the smell of your t shirt after you've worn it all night to sleep).

What im trying to say is that there are other factors that come in to play asides from the major ones in red and blue.


...the person whom i very much would have liked to spend my life with was NOT the prettiest person i've ever dated
. We were compatible, and in her I saw "home". I cant explain it, but I did find her reasonably attractive. Unfortunately, we were to go our separate ways...

I recently completed placement at a health center where I dealt with issues pertaining to indigenous healthcare. Much of it dealt with a "sense of place". It is not some special connection indigenous people have with the land - it is actually inherent in all people from all cultures. In retrospect, that may have been why I saw 'home' in her. More on that another day.

Thank you for reading. Comments and feedback are very much welcome =)

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  1. hahaha... that is so crudely true. I think I found "home" in this post of yours! ;)

  2. yeah, truth hurts sometimes. But ya gotta face it. It's the first step to getting over it.

  3. Reality only bites, when somebody lives in, Ezra, for you to talk about reality bites, you are probably one of those "loser guys" who cant get a gal, and lives in a "fantastic fantasy of yours"?

  4. That's a good question.

    I live in the present. The here and now.

    Asking me if I think I am successful in the game of love is like asking me I think I am handsome.

    You cannot really judge yourself, and what I say means nothing for that reason. You'll have to ask people who know me for opinions on that question (as different people have different opinions).

    For privacy reasons and the fact highlighted above, all I can say at the moment is that while I leave it to others to be the judge of my character and being, I am not worried one bit about where I stand in the game of love.


  5. Au contraire mon frere.
    You can certainly judge yourself. After all self judgement is the precursor to having a conscience.

    Sidestepping the earlier question by Anon doesn't really help is improving your game and begs the question of are you sincerely a self assured person, or like most, a person who prefers to hide behind illusions of fantasy (occupation, looks, salary, car yuo drive... etc)

    Your Social Dominance theory has some very basic fundamentals which are on the right track (kinda) but all in is very shallow. For starters, there no one linear theory to explain the game of love since opinions and perceptions are everchanging. Its this same change which resulted in you parting ways with your previous relationships. You are only as faithful as your options - consciously or otherwise.

    I also find your lack of worry "in the game of love" amusing. If you're not currently in a happy loving relationship I can only summize that you're deceiving yourself into believing that you are in control based on perceived value of self. This in itself is a contradiction to your earlier statement about self judgement.

    My take?
    You yearn for attention and crave to be the centre of influence. You're not in a conventional relationship (at least that's what you tell yourself) instead, try your luck in a game of chance on a few of the girls in the hopes of appearing socially Dominant. Although you don't spend excessively on dates, you "invest" in grooming, still end up forking the bill, focus on material acessories to boost your image. Yet you're not getting any - well, not out of choice anyways... more out of convenience.

    How am I doing so far?

  6. Boy oh boy you have one active imagination.

    The way I see it, for most people, the pool of potential partners available to them (ie. would day "yes" if asked out) depends strongly on how desirable they are.

    You can speculate all you want about my private life - how successful/unsuccessful desirable/undesirable I am, but as far as I am concerned (after a rather embarrassing incident shortly after this blog was launched back in 2007 :P ) I will not reveal any details about my relationships online. I am posting with my real name and what is said here is available publicly for as long as blogspot is running. Hence the need for privacy.

    One day in the future, after my life has settled and I am no longer in the game of love, I wouldnt mind writing a book about my experiences and observations.

    But for now, as many people I know personally read this blog regularly (it gets 10-20 return visits a day), so I simply cannot answer that question publicly.

    You are welcome to contact me privately. My facebook details are in the About Me page on the top right menu bar.

  7. Bravado to Pokerbuddy!

    Well, it is sad to see that Ezralimm here is failing apart in the "online social dominance"!

    If you cant take people on, in the cyber world...let's forget the real world...that's just who you are..Pure Cyber and Real world.

    Wait, who is judging you? I am just talking facts based on what you write...Did I say that you are handsome? I just said you are a loser...It's entirely different than handsome...

  8. Dear Readers IP tracing is AWESOME!

    I know for example that one of the anonymous posters above is the same angry/hateful commenter who posted in:

    1) Where the advice of elders failed
    2) Be A Man
    3) Creeped
    4) Two Tragedies.

    That guy even found my picasa album that wasnt shared. Not bad. Eek... now im feeling stalked =P

    Now that's stalking. It's funny how people who tell you to get a life often need to get a life themselves =P